As I looked out the window into River Thames, I thought about life.
I thought about what I am, where I am and how I am today?
I thought about what I have and haven't achieved at this stage of my life.
I thought about what I may be doing if I'm not in London.
I thought about how long more will I be in London.
I thought about how long more do I want to live like this.
I thought about friends. I took account of them.
Once in a while, I look at the photos my friends share over Facebook. Many of them showing their wedding photos. Also as many of them showing their newborn. A few of their kids are toddlers now. They make me smile.
People say friends come and go. That's a fact of life. But these friends are still in touch even after so many years. 15 years to be exact! The same group of friends, all with the same but older faces. Not one less, but many additions; wives and children are now in the photos.
These friendships are real. They date back to pre-Facebook days when keeping in touch wasn't as easy. They've never failed to keep in touch. They've never failed to drop a line. They've never failed to send an invitation for the next gathering even knowing well I'm not able to attend.
The smile withered. I sat back and swept up my hair.
I thought to myself: Where am I? Why am I here?
Today another picture was shared. This time of my good friends holding their babies, as if it was a parade. I could recognise the lad who once called me a fatty, another lad who once made fun of my surname and another who once stabbed my finger with a technical pencil. They made me smile. What aspirations we had then and what aspirations we have now. How innocent we were then to think that the world revolved around us.
I thought to myself: What are my aspirations now? Why am I looking at them from here?
Will I ever have kids to play with my friends' kids? Will we ever get to take a photo together? Will their kids be much older than mine? The "math to conformance" is to get married now and have kids by next year. Only then, the age gap is marginal.
What's next? Another Masters? Or a PhD? What am I after? What do I want to get out of it? Where would all these lead me?
Still, I was thoughtful about what comes after this. What about growing old? Who will see me breathe my last breath? Who will bury me? How would the ending be? When is the last posting of this blog and what is it going to be?
Still there is another angle to this. My friends look at me with envy. No wife, no kids, no commitment. Traveling here, traveling there, eating this, eating that, doing this, doing that, achieving a childhood dream, living life to the fullest. What else can one ask for? Stop thinking about dying!
But of course, there is a trade off to everything.
I've been very thoughtful today. Spring comes after winter. New life springs after the previous ends. I've reached a stage in life now I want to cross the fence and be like my other friends.
Forests in focus on International Day of Forests
4 weeks ago
5 comments:
^_^ nicely writen..
hi alden, just to share, ive been thinking about the same things the day i turned 30...and until today, ive yet to find an answer :) like you, im extremely grateful and glad that i have these wonderful group of friends with me, and one thing i learned from them, i cannot measure my pace against theirs. i may take a little time and my priorities may be a little different, but they will always be there to support and encourage me, no judgement :p
ps : hope to see you in london in december, yes im going again! mesti lah kan since buah hati kat sana hehehe bought the tickets and all!
I deeply understand and sympathise with what you are thinking... Being at home, I am under great pressure from mom to get married asap. But since I haven't met my Mr Right yet, why not enjoy my single life instead? I mean, being single and having a family, has their pros and cons and it's difficult to determine which one is better.
"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" We better appreciate what we have, instead of just being jealous of what other people got. I am sure that God will arrange his own way for each of us.
ffpk: thanks.
Nik: Thanks for sharing. I hope to see you soon.
Kiki: You're right. We should live life as it is and stop comparing with others. There's no end to it.
i actually felt that coming just a little while back during our last chat. kinda reminds me of when i was in tokyo where i have less distractions and more time to think, whatmore with the seasons reminding me of each phase in life.
i still think it was better living in overseas with like-minded friends who don't really care what status/stage of life you're at, whereas coming back meant i had to get a "normal" life a.k.a be conformed to expectations of how life is meant to be lived.
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